so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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