my mouth tastes like poor choices
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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