gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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