I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
