I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
