Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
