We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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