You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
