there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
