Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
