I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just found a bag of teeth...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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