i just sent this text using only my big toe
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
