Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we're making bets on your personal life
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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