I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
