What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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