Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
