last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
