btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
