my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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