Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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