i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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