I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's never too late to be topless.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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