Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
