Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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