I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
