Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it's like iHOP with fire
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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