Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
