Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
