just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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