she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
