After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
why do cheetos always look like penises
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Also, beer. Big fan.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
