he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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