Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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