I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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