I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
