I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
