Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
