We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
