If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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