Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
