i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
