I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
