i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
