why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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