She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
