Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
