He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
