i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
