my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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