i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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